Still nothing.

Today I just feel stupid.

I am on CD 32 of my current cycle. 18 days past my positive ovulation test. I’ve had 2 BFNs, and AF is no where to be seen.

This was a medicated cycle with 100 mg Clomid and was cancelled on CD 12 due to no mature follicles. I wasn’t responding to the Clomid appropriately.

I know so many of you have cycles longer than 32 days and I shouldn’t be complaining. I just feel so broken. When I’m not on medicated cycles, I can ovulate. When I am on medicated cycles, who knows what the heck happens.

I feel like maybe I should call my RE and ask if this is typical and if there is anything I should do? Then I feel stupid even considering calling because I know that some women have MUCH longer cycles than this and are probably just told to wait it out. Ultimately I feel like my body has let me down again.

I was supposed to be doing a baseline ultrasound and blood work by now. I was supposed to be starting Femara by now. I was supposed to be getting another chance by now. I’m just bummed. So, incredibly bummed.

With the upcoming holiday this weekend, it’s not helping me feel like anything less than a failure.

Thanks for reading my vent session….if you made it this far.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

I want you to know that this journey is something I never fathomed we would have to go on. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we would one day be discussing the side effects of fertility drugs over dinner.

I know I’ve been a wreck, but this mess of a situation hasn’t been easy on you either. I know it has to be hard on you watching me cry, become self-conscious and distant for no reason. For that, I am sorry. I wish this could be easier on the both of us, really. Neither one of us deserve to wonder if we will ever get the chance to be parents. Some days I wonder if you had just married someone else, you wouldn’t have had to go through all of this.

I’m sure at times you think I should just “calm down and quit ‘rushing it’.” I bet from your standpoint it must feel like I’m constantly obsessing over doctors appointments, times, sub plans, medications I need to take, temping, charting, peeing on things, etc. You are probably wondering what happened to the laid back girl you married years ago.

I need you to know though, that this truly is a pendulum of emotions for me. One minute I feel hopeful that we are going to try something new and maybe get answers or a chance at getting pregnant. The next second I am stressing that my body will continue to be a failure at the new plans set forth by our doctor. It’s hard not to question and second guess every decision that has to be made after facing so many obstacles. Is this the right thing? Is this what God would want? Is this what my husband wants?

I feel like a magic 8 ball that gets asked all the questions, but never has any good answers.

I feel like it’s easier for you to see the end goal instead of the struggles I have to face along the way. I have had to undergo painful testing, embarrassing questioning, showing a million and ten strangers my vajayjay, eat funky diets, digest crazy pills, use half of my sick days, plan minute for minute what my sub should do while I’m away at a moments notice and be the one to stare the the Big. Fat. Negative. that I see every month.

If it was as easy as us just making love and creating a baby I would LOVE to give up all that anxiety. It would be so freeing to just ‘quit hurrying and pushing things’. If only I hadn’t been told that this was only something we have a 2% chance of doing on our own. That statistic was sobering to hear. I feel like I have to do everything I can, every single day, in order to even have the opportunity to get pregnant.

Since my body is the one that has to actually do the work, I feel like I’m the one who has to bear the brunt of the burden. That’s not to say that you don’t have to carry your own weights that come with infertility, it’s just that I carry the physical ones.

During this time I need you more than ever. I need from you understanding, clarity and strength. In my weakest moments, my fearful, anxiety ridden breakdowns of self-doubt, I need you to be my rock. I need to hear those calming words, “I love you. We will make it through this.” I need reassurance that everything I’m feeling is justified and there is no answer at that moment. I need your embrace and genuine understanding of my emotion. I need you to be in my corner. I also need you to be a guide through the decision making process.

The decisions that have to be made are hard. When to move on to something new? How much of a drug is too much? What will our hard limits be as far as treatment goes? What can we afford? When do we advocate for something else in our treatment plan? These are decisions that we must face head on, together. To put it simply, it takes two to tango. This is our tango.

Above all though, I love you and couldn’t imagine going through this with anyone else. Even though there will be days that I am distant, tearful and hard to manage, deep down I could not keep going without you. You are my person. The one who understands me and knows me better than I know myself at times. You are the future father of my children. You, are my husband and one day I, will be myself again.

With Love,

Your Wife

April Report Card

Last time I updated about myself I was about to begin my first medicated IUI cycle. Ha! Here’s my monthly report card:

First Medicated Cycle- F. (For FAIL)

Last week was a bit of a whirlwind and I apologize for such a late update post. On CD 9 I began doing OPKs to check that I we weren’t going to miss my surge. That morning the OPK was so dark that I anticipated a surge the next day. After some debating, I decided to call the RE and leave a message with my OPK results.

They asked me to come in the next day, CD 10 (last Wednesday), to do an ultrasound and check my response. I got a sub, made my plans and headed to the RE’s office the next morning. The ultrasound tech didn’t say much during the scan, which I usually take as a sign of something not great. I met with a nurse and she said that my follicles were not mature yet and she wanted to do blood work to check my LH levels. I left with another blood vial donated and was told to come back on Friday, CD 12.

So… Again I got a sub, made sub plans, drove the long way up to the office and waited for my scan. The ultrasound tech was more chatty this time, but I could tell that she was trying not to say too much. (Another BAD sign.) She finished taking my measurements and I was sent to the little room dedicated for short consultations after wards.

To my surprise, Dr. Yarmulke  came to see me. This actually freaked me out a little. I mean, I haven’t talked to this man since our initial consultation and had kind of resigned myself to the fact that he only handled the “big stuff.” My heart sank. He sat down and told me that my body did not respond to Clomid. At all. UGH! The frustration was boiling, but I kept my cool. He said that he was going to cancel the IUI because it would be “pointless” at this time due to my immature follicles. (For those of you newbies out there, a follicle is considered mature if it is between 18-20 mm.) He said that next cycle he wants me to try Femara/Letrozole and that some women just respond better to Femara v. Clomid and vise versa.

Needless to say I was disappointed, but honestly, what can I do about it? I guess I’ve been looking at it as one more thing to cross of the list. Hopefully Femara will have a better outlook from my body. I can’t help but wonder though if I have some kind of estrogen producing problem. I rarely have *TMI WARNING* cervical mucous during ovulation and my eggs obviously didn’t respond to the Clomid. I plan to ask the doctor about this concern at my next appointment but for now, I just wait.

Maybe my next report card I’ll make the honor roll! Wishful thinking, right?

Can you smell the rain?

Rain. It’s fresh. It’s calming, it’s beautiful. It cleanses the Earth and brings much needed moisture to the plants in need while a storm can seemingly rage on in the background. Can you smell the rain?

As you know, the last month has been super rough for me. There were a ton of emotional ups and downs, highs, lows and super lows. I was extremely nervous going in for my CD 3 baseline ultrasound on Wednesday. I had prayed and prayed for days and weeks that God heal my body and my broken heart so we could move forward. The day before the ultrasound I woke up more hopeful, happy and generally accepting than I have been in months. I had a feeling that the ultrasound would go great and we would be moving on with a medicated cycle.

So Wednesday I got my things, hopped in the car and made the 2 hour trek to the REs office in Denver. I wish it were closer, but honestly, the drive is nice. It helps me clear my head, pray and pump myself up. I hit rush hour traffic, which was horrid, but I just kept praying that God get me there in time, and he did. I arrived 15 minutes early even in the midst of 8:30 traffic in Denver! That’s unheard of!

After checking in, the nurse took me back to do some blood work. Now, I have horrible and I mean atrocious veins. They are small, sunken in and roll incredibly easy. I usually only have good luck getting stuck in the top of my hand after a nurse who hasn’t believed me has already poked me 4 other times in my elbow pits (yes, that is a place). So, the nurse tried to draw from my hand, but alas had no luck. The vein was stuck but no blood was coming out. She decided I should go back to have my ultrasound done while holding a hot pack on my arms. Talk about a smokin’ cool wristlet! Perks of going to an RE I suppose.

Can you smell that rain yet?

In the ultrasound room we started the procedure and immediately I could see a cyst on my ovary. I’m no trained sonographer, but it’s not normal to have two ovals nearly the same size on top of each other. The sonographer asked me if I’d been having any pain and my heart sunk a little. The other side however, was clear of the cyst that had been there last month. Woo! Small wins right?

Can you hear the thunder?

Then I was ushered into a room to meet with a nurse. The nurse told me that cysts can be estrogen producing or not. Estrogen producing cysts are the ones that become follicles and eggs can grow from. Non-estrogen producing cysts are just a nuisance. She said that she wanted to do some blood work and if my estrogen levels were low enough we could still continue. I remained hopeful and although nervous, had faith that these cysts would just be a nuisance and nothing else. I left the office knowing that by 4:00 I would have the results and know one way or another.

Can you feel the patter of drops?

On the way home I decided I needed to show an act of faith. I needed this for myself and I needed this to show God, “Hey buddy, I believe you got this in your hands and it’s handled. I love a good jokester and I know you’re aware of that. Please don’t make me wait it out too long!” I stopped at Target and bought a onesie with a whale on it. It reminded me of Jonah from the Bible. I also bought a onesie that said, Daddy is my Hero. Actually, this idea wasn’t all my own. I believe another blogger believes in acts of faith related to baby and does it on a regular basis. I was reminded of this on my way home and decided I wanted, no, needed to take part in this as well.

The next several hours I kept myself busy, although still nervous, waiting for the phone call. I happened to be at work, on the playground with my class no less when she called.

“Is this Paige?”
“Yes, this is her.”
“Paige, this is ARM and I have your lab results. Your estrogen levels came back low enough and you can continue with this cycle!”
“OH PRAISE THE LORD! You don’t know how relieved I am right now!”
“I figured you would be! You can start Clomid tonight. We will see you back next Friday for another ultrasound with possible IUI over the weekend or the following Monday.”

Do you smell the rain?

I was in shock. I was so ecstatic! Finally! Something was going right, and I KNEW in my heart this wasn’t just a coincidence. God was listening. I know I may sound a little holy roller in the post, but guys I have been really clinging to faith that this is meant to be for us. I’ve been in such a low spot emotionally that I needed a miracle to help me get out of my funk. I feel this was all Him. His presence has surrounded me and I can’t explain it but I just feel this blanket of peace.

This, was the rain.

Looking back I can see God through my whole day. He helped me get to the office in time in the midst of rush hour traffic. I didn’t have my blood work done before the procedure, but after. He knew that I would need that blood work and did not allow that vein to pass any blood through the first time. He purposely had me wait to get the results, loving my act of faith along the way.

Which brings me back to the rain. I feel like I have been washed by rain. Cleansed. Nourished. Let it pour down, because from it new life can grow! I hope you can stop to smell the rain. Above all, I wish everyone who reads can gain a sense of comfort.

I will leave you all with this:
God causes his sun to rise on the evil and good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous. -Matthew 5:45

Have you felt rain?

The ‘Plan’.

How do you deal when life doesn’t go in the order that it’s supposed to? We grow up with this notion that first there is childhood, then youth, adulthood, find a partner, get married, buy a house, start a family, grow old together. What happens when the timeline gets stretched and snapped like a rubber band?

I’ve been struggling with this question throughout our year of trying for a baby and still have no clear answer, except to keep trudging onward. After meeting with our RE last Friday we decided on a plan to move on with Clomid (to stimulate my ovaries to grow eggs that are beautiful) followed by an Ovidrel trigger shot to induce ovulation and then IUI (Interuterine Insemination). I will then take progesterone suppositories until my Beta blood test to see if I am pregnant.

The plan sounded okay. I was at peace. It was the end of my cycle anyway and I should have started my period in 3 or so days and onward we would march into IUI land. I could deal with the plan.

My body, however, does not like the plan. I stopped taking progesterone pills on Sunday. This is the part where my period should arrive because the pregnancy tests says, YOU LOSE. Except, my uterus has decided to just stay perfectly content doing absolutely nothing. It is now Thursday morning (3 1/2 days since taking the last pill) and I still am not bleeding. I suppose I have had minimal spotting, but nothing super encouraging like good ole Auntie Flo was on her way.

The plan is all messed up.

I get that when you have plans, life and God will show you otherwise, but really? I just feel helpless. Completely and utterly helpless in the fact that my body fails at doing what it needs to. There is nothing more I can do. I must wait. I must be patient. I know I’m going to drive myself crazy constantly thinking about when I will be able to keep moving forward with our next steps.

To add fuel to my fiery mess of the plan we once had, my nurse had sent a prescription for the Ovidrel shot to a by mail pharmacy. I have never done this before, but trusted that it would be fine. I called the company and set up delivery for a week from now. This shot must be refrigerated and is shipped overnight to ensure quality. It is also a controlled substance and must be signed for upon delivery. Yesterday, my husband got home around 7 p.m. and noticed  a sticker on our front window. The Fed Ex people had attempted to deliver a package that needs to be signed for, but no one was here so they would attempt tomorrow.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

You can’t just leave Ovidrel overnight at a Fed Ex facility unrefrigerated!! It ruins the shot, it ruins everything. AND I DIDN’T EVEN ORDER IT TO BE SENT YET!!!

So here I sit. Waiting to start a plan that at this point is all jumbled up.

Screw the plan.

I was at peace with waiting for God and thought that this month was what we were waiting for. Waiting to stop temping, stressing about cycle days, etc. Apparently I was wrong.