Tonight I sit here, holding the pill that is supposed to solve all my problems. The pill that’s supposed to make me stop bleeding and start growing a baby, but I can’t help wondering if I will be myself in the morning.

It was recommended that I take 200 mg Progesterone (Prometrium) during my luteal phase to prevent spotting and hopefully help me get and stay pregnant. Last cycle was the first time I had taken progesterone before and boy was I shocked with how it effected me.

I remember feeling a little blue last cycle in general. A little helpless and hopeless about the whole trying to conceive journey and just kind of blah in general. When I took the progesterone pill though, my world was rocked. I literally went from this sweet people person who is an eternal optimist to a woman filled with dark, dark thoughts and just wanted to be alone.

I was in this weird emotional in-between that I had never experienced before. On one hand, I knew that the hormones were causing me to feel so…depressed. On the other, I didn’t want to talk to anyone for fear my emotions would take over and I would lose it on someone.

One day I remember coming to work and literally grouching at all the children by 8:05 a.m. My para even asked me, “Is everything okay? You just seem…off today.” I held back tears and assured her I just wasn’t feeling myself and maybe was getting sick. Little did she know I felt sick in the head.

Another day, my husband was moving cows from corn stalks (where they are all winter) to our house to prepare for calving season. I had already planned a lunch date with a dear friend of mine for the same day. That morning I felt so guilty about not helping my husband, but didn’t want to flake out on my friend. I was so conflicted I began to cry. Poor Brandon assured me they could get it done without me and I should go to lunch. About 20 minutes later he informed me his sisters were coming to help with the job and I immediately lost it. Sobbing uncontrollably because I wasn’t going to be helping them move cows home. (Seriously? I can’t believe I cried over that.)

On our farm, the cycle of life and death occurs all the time. It is especially present during calving season when some calves inevitable die due to uncontrollable circumstance. This isn’t a regular occurrence per se, but one that I have a lot of experience with and definitely don’t get worked up about anymore. (Sorry guys, that’s just my line of work.)

One Saturday morning, I was also told about a calf that had been born recently. It had been incredibly cold and the calf had become sick and died. Again, waterworks poured from my face as I mourned the loss of this poor calf. I mean, I was dry heaving about this poor calf. That was completely out of character for me!

I was afraid, self-conscious, scared, hurt and alone. Or so I felt. I was afraid that people would think I was being over dramatic and tell me to shut up. I was self-conscious that everyone around me would see that I was struggling and judge me. I was scared that my husband would get fed up with me and want to quit trying to have a baby. I was hurt that I felt so powerless in my own body. In reality, I had a loving, supportive husband who knew what was going on but not quite sure how to “fix” me.

Alone. That sums up the existence that I felt for two weeks. I felt like no one could ever know exactly what I was feeling, how out of control and unlike myself I was. How could anyone relate to that I thought. So I kept the crazy inside, hoping no one would notice too much and it would just go away.

For newbs to progesterone, the following side effects can occur: (I experienced the bolded)
– Nausea
Breast tenderness
– Headache
– Change in vaginal discharge
Mood swings
– Blurred vision

Sitting holding this little pill I am terrified that I will again feel this way. I just want to be myself. I want to be happy and optimistic. I want to laugh and talk with friends. I am honestly terrified of the next two weeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to do whatever I need to to have a baby of our own, but the struggle that has come with achieving that goal is real, and hard. So I’ve prepared a little letter for my friends, family, and co-workers:

Dear friends,

Please know that I am struggling. I am doing my best to keep my emotions under control, but I feel like I fail when taking the medications I need. I am self-conscious. I am nervous. I am depressed. I am on crazy pills and I wish I didn’t have to be!

Please don’t judge me for sitting silently in the background. Please don’t quit inviting me to do things because I may cry about the lack of windshield wiper fluid you have in your car. Could you just check on me and listen for a little bit, even though it may sound ridiculously stupid?

Know that I want to be myself again and laugh with you. I still love you and don’t want to be abandoned. Actually, I’m afraid of being abandoned right now.

Your friend,

Down the hatch my little round yellow pill goes. Chased with a shot of water. The wait begins…the agonizing, fearful wait to know if I will be myself when I wake up in the morning.