After the first month of trying, I decided to join an online community to learn more about creating a human and what kind of science was behind it. I knew I couldn’t force the sperm to meet the egg, but by golly if I there was something I could contribute, I wanted to. Here are a few things I learned, tried, and didn’t do the trick:

Basal Body Temping

I was enlightened about the concept of basal body temping. For those of you who haven’t heard of this before, essentially you take your temperature at the same time every morning and chart it. After ovulation you will be able to see a temperature shift and determine 1. If you ovulate and 2. If you have good timing.

This super scientific process requires you to sleep well (at least 3 consecutive hours) and then wake up like sleeping beauty and take your temperature before even moving out of bed. Sounds easy enough right? Except, I look more like stirring beauty all night long tossing and turning until I wake up an hour after my last mid-night potty break and finally decide to temp because, screw it. I mean, if this happens every night it should still be accurate right?

OPKs

Around month 2 I learned about OPKs (ovulation predictor kits). JACKPOT! I figured, I’ll just use the crap out of those and it will magically predict when my sweet little egg will be released. Ha, tricked you body! I will now be able to outsmart you and will be knocked up in no time!

In return, my body did a Cruella de Ville laugh right in my face. After peeing on so many sticks at all hours of the day, it hadn’t done the trick. *sigh* If only magic were real.

Lubey Drugs

I began to learn about how your lady bits needed to be properly lubricated during ovulation in order to create a warm, loving, and slimy environment that will keep your husband’s swimmers alive. Mmmm slimy lady junk for a week, I can’t wait. (Do you sense my sarcasm?) Anyway, I realized that I wasn’t staying juiced up enough and decided to try taking the active ingredient from cold medicine, Guaifensen.

The theory behind Guaifensen is that it will loosen up your mucus creating the perfect egg-white like environment for your husbands swimmers to stay alive. Walgreens soon began to side-eye my purchases when I would buy cold medicine in bulk…in the middle of summer….without any cold symptoms.

Alas. Guaifensen was not the miracle, get me pregnant drug.

More Lubey Holistic Stuff

Guaifensen obviously didn’t do the trick. So I began learning about Evening Primrose Oil. Yes! Yes! I was thrilled. No more of those nasty cold drug ingredients probably toxifying my system. (Yes I said toxifying) EPO was a holistic approach. The next cycle I began popping EPO like it was going out of style, which did help out with the lady-bit juices but I also noticed some other sideeffects that month. Like severe cramping. For two weeks. WHAT?

I decided whether it was a coincidence or not, I was not going to be ingesting that “holistic” crap anymore.

A More Sane Realistic Approach

So I bought a book, Making Babies, about increasing your own fertility odds, written by fertility specialists. I changed my diet, began self-massage, taking specific amounts of vitamins, doing fertility yoga, (Ya, that’s a thing) and sitting with a hot pack every day to “warm my uterus.”

If you hadn’t already noticed, I had arrived at Looneyville. Not only had I arrived there, I had bought shares into their magic unicorn glitter factory that would help me grow a baby. It was clear to myself, and my husband, I was now bat shit crazy.

DAMNIT.
Nothing was working. I was desperate, and things were getting worse! Yes. That was possible. Not being pregnant after months AND the situation was getting worse.

I am convinced that my uterus knew how hard I was trying to get pregnant and began to rebel like a snotty, smeared faced child who was about to get their face wiped by their mom. I had began to have spotting after ovulating every month. My own body was rubbing salt (and pads) in my wounds. If I could spank my own uterus, I would. She is such a brat.

In November, I decided it was time to get help. I made an appointment with my OB to talk about what I should do next. If I had only known the roller coaster I was about to jump on.

Think more this,

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not this.

rollercoaster17

There would be no smiling and arm waving on the road I was headed down.

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