It has taken me a long time to muster up this post. This last sabbatical I have taken has been one of fear, joy, anxiety, nerves, love and hope. Here it goes…
In my last post I had just gone through an MRI to check for septation in my uterus. The follow up appointment was scheduled for June 22nd. I got a call the first week in June that there was a cancellation and they wanted to move my follow up appointment to June 8th. YAY! I was so thrilled to finally get in, get answers, get surgery planned, whatever.
The night before the appointment I was anxious. I just wanted to know what my next steps would be but there was no way of knowing for sure. Hell, even after the appointment things could change on a dime. That’s how the infertility world works, you know? The next morning I woke up at 5 am. Wide awake. I had to pee and decided, what the hell. I’m going to see the RE today anyway, might as well rule out pregnancy before I go in.
I sat down, peed in my cup, dipped the only test I had (a FRER) and yawned while rubbing my eyes. Immediately I noticed a line and got pissed off. I remember thinking “I would be the unlucky motherf*cker who would get a test with the control line on the wrong side.” It took a few seconds before realizing, that was actually the test line.
I. Was. Pregnant.
I began shaking. I took the test to my kitchen, sat down on the bar stool and just stared and shook. It began sinking in. I am pregnant. This was really happening. This line was real. After about 20 minutes of letting it sink in, thanking God, praying, crying and staring I went in to wake my husband up.
Last summer I had made this cute little handkerchief that said Big Brother on it, for our dog named Kidd to wear as an announcement to Brandon that I was pregnant. So at 5:30 I got my dog out of our garage, tied this cute little bandana around his neck and drug him into our bedroom. I shook Brandon and said, “Babe. Kidd has something to tell you.” Of course his reaction was “What the hell? It’s dark outside Paige.” I said, “Look at him. He’s telling you that he’s gonna be a big brother!” By then Brandon smiled and said very giddy, “This couldn’t have waited another hour and a half?” Hell no! I couldn’t keep that kind of news in.
The day I was supposed to consult for a double surgery I found out I was pregnant. What irony. That afternoon instead of my consultation I had betas drawn. Beta #1 at 14 DPO was 864! Two days later, 1856!
Things were progressing nicely, but I never thought about the effect infertility would have on me once I was pregnant. I began having serious anxiety that things would still go haywire. My body NEVER cooperates. It took 15 cycles to get this positive. I had cysts around every corner. My uterus had a septation (which can cause recurrent miscarriage) and now wasn’t going to be fixed. My thyroid was still being monitored. I kept waiting for the ball to drop. This couldn’t possibly be real.
I had my first ultrasound appointment at 6 weeks 4 days and got to see my little unicorn blob with heartbeat flickering away at 120 bpm. In that moment I was so calm. I didn’t cry, didn’t shout for joy, just stared speechless. Brandon and I left feeling so confident in the pregnancy.
I had a second ultrasound scheduled for 2 weeks later at 8 weeks 4 days. Again, the week before the ultrasound I was shaken with worry and anxiety. Could this be real? My body always fails. I found myself trying to distance myself a little from pregnancy thoughts because while I wanted to be happy and rejoicing I was also trying to protect my heart from what I thought was going to be the inevitable. The ultrasound went wonderfully though and we saw how much the little babe had grown in there. It’s heartbeat this time was beating at 172 bpm and little movements could be seen on the screen. Such a happy moment.
I still find myself somewhere between planning a nursery and hesitating to tell people about the pregnancy. As excited as I am, I am also so scared and full of worry at each appointment. I don’t sit here typing this to sound ungrateful for this pregnancy. I am so thankful for being in these shoes! I sit here typing this in hopes of conveying the fact that sometimes pregnancy after infertility doesn’t just make the pain of infertility go away. It’s still there. It has scarred me and it’s something I won’t ever forget. The loss of innocence during this time is real.
If you are currently pregnant after infertility and dealing with these emotions please don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Either through comments or emailing me at email@example.com.
I know you all will love the nitty gritty details so here they are:
Week 5 – Extreme Fatigue, sore boobs, THIRSTY! (Like drink 3-4 liters a day thirsty)
Week 6- Same as above. Dizziness. Becoming concerned I didn’t have morning sickness. Although some mornings I felt kind of like a hangover after a long night out of drinking.
Week 7- Same ole symptoms. Less thirst. Still concerned about the lack of sickness.
Week 8- Same ole same. Feeling bloated.
Week 9- Getting more energy. Not as thirsty. No food aversions, but no real appetite.
Today I’m 9 weeks 2 days. I have officially graduated from the RE and my first appointment at the women’s clinic is tomorrow. I am nervous about this appointment as well. I hope at some point the fear and anxiety will subside a bit and I can fully believe that this baby will really be in my arms in February.