Today is a shitty day.

I went in for my CD 3 follicle scan and things did NOT go as planned. (Remember how the plan was already jacked up, it got even more twisted.) During the scan they told me that I did not have enough MMR (measles/mumps/rubella) antibodies in my system and needed a booster shot.

They also told me that my TSH (thyroid) levels were 2.71. This is within the normal range of .45-4.5 but for trying to get pregnant purposes, they would like to see below 2.5. So… I had more blood drawn to check current TSH levels and we will see if I need to be placed on medicine for this.

In addition to that, I was told I have not 1. Not 2. But 3 gigantic cysts on my ovaries. Usually I have cysts on my ovaries, but apparently these ones were extra big and it was unsafe for me to continue with a medicated cycle and IUI. Needless to say I was disappointed.

AND THEN……

The doctor told me that in order to make the cysts go away she was going to put me on birth control pills for 3 weeks. At the end of the 3 weeks I will have another scan to determine if the cysts went away.

Devastated is how I am feeling. That clarity and peace I spoke of a few posts ago… Gone. I am hurt, angry, frustrated and honestly just feel pathetically helpless.

Oh, and also, I have a severe head cold right now. So, after leaving the doctors office in tears I began driving home and had to pull over at a Target on the side of the road for Kleenex, red eye drops and concealer.

I couldn’t make it to the checkout before needing a tissue and had to rip open the package. When I got to the checkout the poor checkout boy had no idea how to handle me. Picture me, staring at him through tears and bloodshot eyes with a 4 pack of Kleenex, my eye drops and makeup. As he was explaining how I could apply for a Target card and save 5% he quickly shut down his sales pitch and corrected himself with, “At least there’s not many people in here right now.”

Bless his heart. I’m sure I looked like a complete WRECK and here is this poor teenage boy, lost in what to even say to such an emotional woman. I quickly said, “Yep, thanks,” and walked away.

I promptly proceeded to my car, where I let it all hang out. Including the half a box of now used tissues strung out all over my car. As the lady pulled up in the car next to me I’m sure she also thought I was a loon, but I didn’t even care. I just don’t understand. I am doing everything I can to make this work and I am completely powerless. I also feel like if I talk about it I will be judged. Like maybe I should just suck it up because it’s only 3 weeks. I hate being the center of attention, especially for something I am vulnerable about. Hence this blog that I have invited 0 family or in real life friends to read to date.

As I was talking to a friend about the “new plan” she said, “Well, maybe with teaching this will make for a better maternity leave for you.” I understand that she meant well, but quite frankly I don’t give a shit about when my maternity leave is. It’s super hard to be hopeful or positive about anything TTC related when every time I turn around there is a setback.

Now, I wait… And try to recover emotionally from yet another disappointment. Let’s be real though, I’m probably going to google the shit out of how to homeopathically get rid of cysts because my biggest fear is that they won’t actually go away.

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