One foot in front of the other.
I’ve had to keep reminding myself this over the last few weeks. I also need to explain my sudden and extended absence from blogging recently. So, here it goes.
During my last update post, I was feeling really down and discouraged about my 21 day LP and no BFP or period in sight. I contacted my RE and he had me come in for blood work as well as an ultrasound. I made the long trek to the office on a Saturday morning and met with the weekend doctor. She was very nice. During the ultrasound I noticed that the picture looked so huge, and different. Unlike my cysts that usually appear on the screen. I asked her what it was and she replied, “This is a cyst, and it looks like it has fluid within it. It could be leftover from ovulation.” At which point my hopes immediately rose that maybe I had actually ovulated, just late, and I could still be pregnant.
I then went to get blood work to check my progesterone levels as well as re-test my TSH while I was there. When in Rome you know? She said she would be personally calling me by 3:00 that afternoon with results and next steps.
3 o’clock came and went. No call.
Then 4 o’clock, 5’o clock, 6 o’clock and by 7 o’clock I knew she had forgotten about me. I was so discouraged and frustrated. I decided I would call Sunday morning (Mother’s Day) to check in with the weekend doctor and ask for my results and next steps.
I was beat to the punch though when my RE himself called me at 6:54 on Sunday, Mother’s Day morning and woke me up. I was a little shocked, but definitely wanted to know what was going on. He explained that my blood work showed my progesterone was at a 1, but my ultrasound indicated my cysts had grown and one was haemorrhagic. Basically, it was filled with blood. He indicated that this is most likely due to a corpus luteum cyst that would develop after ovulation. Additionally, because my period hadn’t showed up yet he prescribed Provera to induce my period. He said because my cysts had changed size as well as became haemorrhagic I would need to cancel the next cycle as well and wait for the haemorrhagic cyst to go away. At this point I was bawling on the phone. My doctor was very understanding and acknowledged how difficult this must be for me. It actually meant a lot to me that he took time out of his day, morning, Mother’s Day with his wife and kids to call me, ME!
Knowing my history of having cysts at EVERY appointment and US I’ve ever had I asked him what the next steps would be should the cyst still be there at my next ultrasound. Simply put, he recommended laparoscopic surgery to remove it if it isn’t gone by my next period.
SURGERY! Holy freaking shit. I was in shock. Disbelief. Horror. Fear.
I decided to unplug from all technology that day and just spend it with my husband doing things with him that would make me feel like “me” again. The old me I guess. So I did and I began to accept the situation and feel a little better. By that evening, my period had arrived all on her own. Such is life that the things you are waiting for show up when you aren’t expecting. No Provera for me, but this meant another cycle worth of waiting, wondering and praying for these cysts to resolve themselves.
The next day, Monday, my RE called me again. I was in the middle of class when the phone rang and I dropped everything, hushing the students and asking them to color quietly for a few minutes. I answered, hopeful that he had changed his mind and I could continue with this cycle. That was not the case. Instead he said something like this, “Hello Mrs. D, I was reviewing your old ultrasounds and HSG and noticed that they are conflicting. Your ultrasounds show that you have a septate uterus. Your HSG does not match this finding.” Wait, what?! Shock ensued. He then explained what a septate uterus is. When girls are being created in their mothers’ womb, their uterus comes together from two halves and fuses together making one, smooth, whole organ. However, in a septate uterus, the halves do not fuse smoothly and completely leaving a little ‘flap of skin’ around where the halves came together on the inside of the uterus. This can cause recurrent miscarriages.
Remember, I’m in the middle of my classroom, full of first graders, the week before school is about to get out, and now receiving news that not only an I not get pregnant but when I do I may face recurrent miscarriages. The tears were welling up, I was barely holding it together in front of my class.
Dr. Yamakha proceeded to tell me he is requesting I get a pelvic MRI to determine whether or not I really do have a septate uterus. If I do, he would also like me to have hysteroscopy that would go in and cut out the excess skin inside the uterus and correct the problem.
Now I’m potentially facing not one, but TWO surgeries. The news was soul crushing to me in that moment and I began to feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I managed to finish out the last two hours of the day and leave work immediately when kids did. I called my husband, cried and he came home to be with me. I cried, and cried. Wallowing in my self-pity and feelings of failure.
After a few days, the news began to settle in. I began to accept that this is what my next steps were. I could stand up and fight against this infertility or I could sulk and quit. I chose to stand up and fight. I began calling my insurance company for pre approval of an MRI and looking for the cheapest, yet best facilities to get it done. This week I found out my MRI was approved and I chose a good imaging facility on the front range to do it. After many phone calls between Sally Jobe, my RE’s office, and the insurance company I have scheduled my MRI for this coming Friday at 4:30. Brandon will be going with me for support as well.
Right now I’ve resigned myself to one of the following outcomes:
1. I have a septate uterus and require a hysteroscopy.
2. I have cysts that remain and require a laparoscopy.
3. I have a septate uterus and still have cysts and need both hysteroscopy and laparoscopy (which I will ask to do at the same time if possible).
4. I have no septate uterus and the cysts have cleared up completely, allowing me to move on with IUIs in June.
The odds are, I will need some sort of surgery, but I’m preparing myself to hear those words. I’m preparing myself to go through this scary process in the hopes of being one step closer to a baby in my arms.
I’ve been really struggling with my faith and feelings towards God right now, but at the same time trying to trust in Him. This has been a true test of my faith. I am praying that my body heals and I don’t have a uterine anomaly. Most of all I’m praying for my marriage. This has been hard on us. My feelings have been all over the place and my husband just doesn’t work that way. As much as I know this is difficult for him, we grieve differently and sometimes that’s just hard.
Thank you all for your well-wishes, prayers and thoughts for me during this difficult time for me.
I must share that the day I got the final “bad” call about my potentially septate uterus there was a short rainstorm at my house. The following picture was taken from my front porch. Maybe it is a sign of better things to come… Or two better things to come?
If it’s what’s ahead that scares you, and what’s behind hurts you, look above and God will guide you.